2024 was quite a fast flash—at least that’s how it felt to me. I’m aware that I’ve tried my best and made progress, but as 2025 waves hello, I find myself grappling with a swirl of big, complex emotions. These feelings have been affecting me not just mentally but physically, too. The past 2 weeks transition to me was like juggling in a roller coaster, trying to deal with all the responsibilities and reality while dealing with myself, knowing that I'm too weak physically to be that hard to myself. I’ve been quite frightened by persistent negative voices in my head, again, telling me I’m not enough and blaming myself for it—and obviously, it freakin' sucks. 

So today, I decided it’s time to pull myself back together. I reached for my old journal, hoping to rediscover something that might help.

For those who live with depression, it can feel like a constant dark cloud hovering overhead, making even basic functioning seem impossible. My therapist once used a metaphor of a black cat and a white cat to help me make sense of this experience. During the darkest period of my depression in 2023, she challenged me to a seven-day journaling exercise to help regulate my thoughts and emotions. One of those entries from 21th June 2023 stood out to me today:

Reflecting on 2024, I realize it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. I wasn’t as suicidal anymore during the year (I was at some point, but I managed it slightly better, I think). I wasn’t hiding in my murky dark cave anymore; in fact, I slowly started connecting with people again. I began to feel good about myself and took better care of it this year. Comparing my face in a photo from January 2024 to one from November 2024, I can see that my face looks much more vibrant and alive. I am no longer the moving corpse I saw myself as back in 2023, so I guess my black cat has slimmed down quite significantly, which is a win worth celebrating.

The black cat is still here, of course, living quietly inside me, but it doesn’t consume all of me anymore. I know she might still purr in dark corners, but she doesn’t define who I am. I’ve learned to manage her better, to keep her from taking over.

So, I think I’m ready for 2025. I’m at least stronger now, as I’m learning to nurture the white cat within me—very slowly, indeed, but it’s worth celebrating. 

Here’s to a year of balance, hope, and continued progress. Here’s to the White Cat in me.
Happy New Year, dear everyone.